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Entry 313: Fan mail

I have been touched by the emails I’ve received since this website was set up.

From all over the world, people have decided to get in touch with me. Here you will read a selection.

Sylvia got in touch, here’s what she said:

“My name is miss Sylvia and i will like to make a good friendship with you ok,so plz if you dont mind i will like you to write me back so that i can send you my pic and details ok”

Of course me can be friends, Sylvia, just never contact me again.

Then Janeth Ogwo sent me this:

“Hello, my name is janeth .I am a girl,”

Great  intro, I always like people to announce their gender immediately when communicating with me. She goes on:

“I wish to be in love relationship with you and May be we can be able to meet as real partners for life”

I’m afraid you’ll have to join the back of the queue, Janeth. But your offer is appreciated; I can only put this communication down to the words I write here, they really are more powerful that I initially imagined. I may have to tone down the erotic subtexts of the blog entries to avoid breaking more girls’ hearts, even those that don’t really exist.

And last but by no means least, but no less predictable, step forward Mr Ben Coker, Staff of Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso. Mr Coker has offered me the nice sum of “$9.58 Million Dollars”. I like how he used both the dollar signed and spelt out dollars, just in case I was in any doubt.

“I will like you to stand as the next of kin to my late client whose account is presently dormant for claims.”

How nice of him.

Oh, I’ve just read what it says at the bottom.

“Do keep this a top secret for security reasons”

Balls. Too late. Sorry, Mr Coker, I had nothing else to write about today. Keep the fan mail coming, guys.

Word count: 338

  • Brilliant! Perhaps you should remind them that their attempts are so clichéd that we actually have TV shows dedicated to stereotyping them! Perhaps you could suggest they use this when they call you: http://www.e4.com/fonejacker/soundboard-george.html

    George Agdgdgwngo

    July 11, 2011

  • You can’t fault their persistence.

    And as the first person to make a comment on my website you win a special prize, ‘George’. Although you’ll have to get in touch with Mr Coker to claim it.

    Alex Love

    July 11, 2011

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