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A private matter

This week, I have gigged in Nottingham and dressed as a giant penis.

I should add that they were separate events and I was in my normal clothes when I gigged in Nottingham.

Why was I dressed as a giant penis, I hear you ask? Frankly, I don’t think you’re showing enough respect to Nottingham.

But I will address the reason for getting most of your search engine results. Of course, I donned the phallic attire for comedic purposes and not personal ones. It was to do the latest in my Q&A series at Siobhan Dodd’s variety show. As Siobhan is getting married early next year, there was a hen-do theme for this month’s show. And what hen-do would be complete without a novelty effigy of the male genitalia? I don’t know the answer to this. My hen-do knowledge is fairly limited.

The costume was a complex piece of engineering and was essentially a flesh-coloured cagoule with a fan inside to inflate it. Getting suited-up was a complicated process and I required assistance from two people. I was waiting back stage and shocked several bar staff who opened the door to find a giant cock on the other side. An amiable ‘Hi, alright?’ put them at total ease.

The gig itself was fun and it is refreshing to perform not only in a ridiculous outfit without having an material prepared. I will stop short of improv, because I shudder at the thought of that and I have the decency to admit that I have a few ideas in my head about what I want to say before I go on. I can’t pretend that performing as a giant penis was ever on my comedy to-do list, but I can definitely cross it off now if it ever finds its way on there.

The next night, I was in Nottingham to audition for a fairly respected Edinburgh showcase. I did okay in my set, but it felt a bit rushed as by the time I got on, I had about ten minutes before I needed to leave to get the last train.

So I am fairly confident I won’t get selected. And that’s fine. I don’t know if I’ll be able to commit to two shows a day in Edinburgh next year anyway, as I expect I’ll be working remotely for almost half of it. So there. But seriously, we can negotiate.

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