Before yesterday’s show, something happened to me in comedy that had never happened before. My jeans split. Not just a slight split, but a complete rip right through the crotch area. What made it more problematic was I was set to perform the show in front of its largest ever audience – a new record of 90, no less – I’d booked a cameraman to film the show. I will now reveal how the wardrobe malfunction unfolded – or tore apart, more accurately. The pun is optional there there on ‘reveal’, depending on your preferences.
I arrived at my venue earlier than usual as I caught an earlier train to prepare all the clipboards for a sold-out show before the cameraman arrived. As I approached the front door, I realised it was locked. However, the French windows next to it were open. There are some benches right in front, so I stepped up onto the seat of the bench to walk through the open window. It was at that point that I heard the rip of doom. It wasn’t a small hole; it was a massive rip that saw the crotch area come right apart at the seams.
In immediate panic, I asked the bar staff if they had any safety pins behind the bar. They did not. But they did have some blue tape. I took it and went downstairs to see what tailoring wonders I could work. Unsurprisingly, the tape did not even work slightly.
I then wondered if I could stuff the torn bit of denim between my legs for an hour and do the show standing in an awkward posture. This would likely go very badly, as I audience would instantly detect my discomfort and wonder what the matter with me was. And me being me on stage, I would reference it instantly – that could add further awkwardness for the audience, especially those sitting in the front row with a premium view of my pants.
After a call from the front-of-house team over the radio yielded no safety pins, I was fast running out of options. Fortunately, my tech Robin had the bright idea that we could swap jeans for an hour.
This was the best option we had. He is taller and slimmer than me and it was a tight fit, but it worked and I had dodged a bullet made from frayed denim. I am aware this type of material would make a terrible bullet. Robin did at least have improved ventilation in a specific area for his side of the deal.
The show was at capacity, with 90 whole tickets sold. This sets a new record for HTWAPQ. My previous record was 89, which was set the previous Saturday. Before that, it was 81 in Durham. Like the temperature, this has been the year where records have been shattered multiple times.
I also had my first hen do of the fringe sitting in the front row. They gave me a lot to riff on throughout the show and were good fun. I’m glad I got it filmed, as that’s going to take some topping. But I still feel there is more to come from this incarnation of HTWAPQ.
After the show, I wore my ripped jeans around for a bit and received a few dodgy looks as if to say: “Does he know he’s got a massive hole in his crotch?”. Yes, as it happens, I was very much aware of it. I looked for places I could get some sort of replacement. After realising I couldn’t justify spending £50 on University of Edinburgh sports shorts, I ventured to one of the charity shops around the corner. I bought a pair of shorts for £6 and put them on in the fitting room. I will now be carrying these shorts in my bag should any future emergencies arise.