I have done some further investigations into that TV show I mentioned where you can get £25,000 for performing for two minutes if the audience likes you best.
My spidey-sense was tingling anyway about this as I thought there must be some sort of catch. The production company has sent me an application form and it asks for your weight and any existing medical conditions, my first instinct when I read this was that it would mean you would be performing on a trap-door operated by Shane Richie. If you are unsuccessful and do not please the audience then Shane opens the trap door and you fall into a bottomless pit of broken dreams which will be lined with TV monitors all showing your failure, or something like that.
But I’ve since heard rumours on the comedy-vine that unsuccessful auditionees will actually be shot out of a canon. Now, I don’t know if this is actually true but all the signs point to this show being an utter public humiliation which exploits poor fools who have naively applied so they can be on television and show the world what talent they have, or at least think they may have, only to be shot out of a canon to remind them that they are a failure. I think my bottomless pit idea is better.
Still, that £25,000… that would be nice. And I am poor and do happen to be a fool, but I have principles. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hungry and there are bins that need going through.
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